eternalmists: (chin up)

Go on trying and by and by one becomes more skillful. Just time is needed. And fear is natural, but don't be overpowered by it. It's natural, so accept it. Much will start surfacing in. Everybody carries so much potentiality that they don't even dream about. Their dreams are as their reality... just superficial. You don't know what you are carrying within you. If a little effort is made, more and more of your inner being will be made available to you.

Fear is natural because one is moving in darkness. The inner journey is very dark. Light comes but that is only at the end. First one has to pass through the tunnel, hence trust is needed. The world of light, of course artificial light, is no more there and the world of real light has not yet happened. Just in between the two there is a tunnel of darkness. The mind says 'Go back! At least there was some light. Maybe the light was outside you, but still it was. Maybe it was artificial, but at least it was. Go back! Cling to theories and words and philosophies'.

It is just like when you dive deep into water and an urge arises to go back to the surface. This is a greater depth than that. No ocean is so deep as the inner reality. So one trembles, feels afraid, lost, uprooted. One feels unskillful because the new is so new and you have never practised it. But by and by if you go on with courage and you take the challenge of the unknown, that very challenge will create the capacity to encounter it.

Once you accept a challenge, you start becoming capable of encountering it. Nothing else is needed because the capacity is lying there within you fast asleep because you have never used it.

So whenever there is a challenge, never reject it... welcome it. Challenge is life and life-giving. So whenever there is a challenge, immediately take the opportunity and thank God that again the unknown is before you. Again you are afraid, good. Again the security is no more there, good. Again you move in the insecure. Again the adventure starts and you don't know where you are going you don't know where you will reach, or whether you will ever reach.

You don't even know who you are because a man knows himself only by something that he is capable of doing. Somebody says, 'I am a doctor'. He knows himself because he can do certain things. somebody says, 'I am an advocate', because he knows that he can do something. Somebody says, 'I am a carpenter'. We know ourselves by our doing.

When you move into the unknown, you cannot do anything. You don't know where you are going, what is going to happen. Every moment is going to be a surprise, something just out of the blue. Sooner or later you start feeling that you are losing your identity. So the greatest fear is of losing one's identity, the image, the ego, the nameplate. You cannot carry it into the unknown.

Fear is there but don't pay much attention to it. It is there because of the challenge. Pay attention to the challenge. When you look at the challenge you will not feel bad about the fear; you will say that this is natural.

When one has to climb an Everest fear is natural. I don't see anything abnormal in it. In fact if a man is going to climb Everest and he doesn't feel any fear, he is abnormal; something is perverted about him. Maybe he is insensitive, an idiot, stupid, unaware. When a man starts moving, climbing the Himalayas, it is natural that fear will be felt.

But if when you move on the street of your town you are afraid, then it is abnormal. If in the known you fear, it is abnormal. If you feel fear with the unknown, it is indicative, symptomatic, that there is something that you don't know, with which you are unfamiliar, a strange country you are entering, the language of which is not known to you, and you have no map. There is every possibility that you may be lost forever and may not be able to come back. Fear is natural.

But take the challenge, focus on the challenge; then fear is just the shadow of the challenge. Never pay much attention to shadows because if you do, shadows tend to become realities. Always pay attention to the reality. When you are focused on reality you can see what is a shadow and what is real. The unreal has no more influence on you.

If you are really interested in mysticism, become a mystic. You have taken the first step, hence the fear. Accept the challenge, mm?

Osho, "Beloved of my Heart"

eternalmists: (Default)
There has been more than one occasion in my life when I've been called a horrible person, a liar, a fake, a cunt, a slut, etc... And honestly, it used to really hurt. Being slightly older, I'm able to laugh off such things, but there's still some discomfort at these words.

A small part of me always wonders if there's some truth to what others say. But after close analysis of the self, I know it's only my paranoia that I might wake up one day and prove all those nasty rumors & beliefs true. At 22, I'm still relatively young, but I'm completely aware of the fact that I'm a very easy person to not like. Life has been filled with strong reactions from others, being either Love or Hate, and rarely anything in between. The love reaction isn't something I really enjoy because it's not really love, but merely a fascination with this image that others have of me in their head, and that always shatters when they realize that I'm a flawed human being just like them. Then, said love turns to hate.

Horrible/Cunt - I'm a Bitch. Get it right. My favorite people are usually a bit elitist in one way or another. Personally, I'm a spiritual elitist, holding to beliefs closely in tune with the top proponent of Process Theology, David Griffen, i.e. my modern religious hero. I'm a bit of a book snob, not really caring to converse with people who never read or try to enfatten their character/mind in one way or another. Also, I sometimes say things that I shouldn't, but this silly little desire to speak one's mind usually gets in the way. Still, this doesn't really explain why others would call me such things. And then I remember who usually says them - girls who I have no interest in getting to know or even talk to & men who I've hurt (never intentionally, but who's gonna believe me on that?!)

Liar/Fake - This usually comes from people who think I'm full of shit. And when your biggest thing is to always be as honest as possible, that's a pretty outrageous accusation. A friend, when talking to him about this problem, said that my inclination to share stories from my life and be honest about not only what happened but also how these things affected me puts others off. In other words, my tendency to be an open book, save for a couple pages I've glued together, leaves people wondering, as they & others they've met don't do that. Total honesty is then taken as a bunch of lies as what person would actually share that kind of stuff and in that way? Total bullshit! Thus, an upfront conversational style is taken as deceitful lies & fake stories, because it's not common. Makes you wonder where the line really is between truth & lies...
    I think, in addition to the above paragraph, something that leads to this accusation is the fact that my public persona is not  in total accord with my private persona, but does this really make me any less genuine of a person? I think not, as I know who I am and who I am is incompatible with the "real world." So you "create" something that is, for dealing with those who you aren't comfortable with or able to open up to. And then there's the love of multiple genres. How dare she have red corsets alongside an elephant skirt she got at a head shop? How dare she wear jeans with a Cure shirt? How dare she come to this bar when I've seen her at that bar? How dare she say she's a true fan of this music when she listens to that crap? etc etc   People need to grow up & embrace a diversity of interests instead of getting caught in one mode of existence. Experience all (or *snort* most) genres of music & lifestyle! Get out of your little box & light it on fire while dancing to world beats instead of always moping in some goth club.

Slut - This is the funniest. Honestly, I can kind of understand the other insults. Unless someone really knows me, I'm bound to confuse them, offend them, or both. Those who are close find my contradictions to be endearing, but this is an admitted few. But back to the accusation at hand. SLUT. People have been calling me a slut since I was a virgin. If rumors are to believed, I was going out & fucking 7 guys in one weekend before I even had sex for the first time. How outlandish... I was always loyal & committed to every guy I ever dated & whenever a "hook-up" did occur, I was overcome with gnawing guilt concerning my actions. I haven't slept with a great number of men, with only 1/2 being more than a once, and often go months between "partners." This slut recently spent a year abstaining from all sexual contact. When my year was up, I had sex maybe 5 times, and then decided that that was enough. I personally can't have sex without feeling guilty or dirty unless there are very strong feelings between myself & the other. This is a bit old-fashioned, but the modern views on sex disgust me. Give me the old religious view any day.
eternalmists: (Default)
is ridiculous. It feels like you're on some bad reality dating show with a line of men parading themselves in front of you, professing lust in the disguise of love, stretching one's fight against gullibility & naivety to the breaking point.

I've decided that it's almost impossible to have an honest conversation when all someone is trying to do is sell an image of themselves or get laid. I want neither & refuse both.

Case 1 The older man who blatantly stares as he creeps closer throughout the night, finally leaning over you to get a drink and going the route of intelligent conversation about business sense & bars before your time. This is the kind of guy who refuses to acknowledge your friends who are glaring & trying to push him away because he's old enough to be your father.

Case 2 The Rock Star. "Hi, I'm in a band. We're called Invisagoth. You should check it out. I can tell that you'll absolutely love it." (and me because who can resist a man with a guitar?) "I love women & I love sex" (I'm a male whore and will take any and all the tail I can get, not caring to discriminate.) "I will worship you." (I will say whatever it takes to fuck you.)

Case 3 The guy who flouts his
degrees, $$, or job. Enough said.

Case 4 The quiet good-looking guy who leans over your friend's recently vacated chair, smiles, & engages you in what seems to be a semi-straight forward conversation about life & music. He comes on strong, saying some pretty outlandish things that you don't even remotely believe. You decide to ignore it for now as we all have our quirks & god knows you've been accused of coming on strong at times. The public act is pushed aside and you decide to give him a shot at talking to you. Then, as you're trying to figure out if this guy is for real, you find out he pulled the same fucking stunt with your best friend. Faced with the accusation, said guy flees the scene.

Oh bar scene, you never fail to amuse me,
but in the end, you offer nothing more than that.
eternalmists: (Default)

so, a long time ago in a galaxy far far away, my brother and i were taking a walk.

true story )


eternalmists: (Default)

February 2012



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